She Would Be
by sparklevampFTW
Summary: Bella Swan has ghosts in her past, and she tries her best not to let them show. Edward Cullen is the sweet, nerdy boy down the street, and a closet hopeless romantic. It's all they can do not to lose each other to outside forces, and to not lose each other in themselves. A tale of regrets, love, loss, and the uncertainty of the future. AU AH
1. Prologue

**_She Would Be_**

**~l~_  
><em>**

One day about two years ago, I saw a sunset. But it wasn't just any regular sunset that we can see every day; it was the most amazing sunset I had ever seen.

I saw it when we were going up an overpass driving out of Seattle. I had my nose in a book and had just happened to look up for a split second. I did a double take. The sky was on fire.

I dog-eared my page and leaned around the passenger seat. The horizon was lit a stark and bright red, but the sun's edges were hidden, giving the illusion that the sky and land shared a beating heart. It was brilliantly melted, kissed sweetly by God. It pulsed like the burning back-light to a stained glass window. The colors danced like how I imagine Heaven and Love in liquid form would. It was the most magnificent thing I'd ever witnessed.

And now as I think back to that evening, how I careened to the side to catch one last fleeting glimpse of the magic before it disappeared behind the unforgiving East Olympic Mountains, I can't help thinking how the radiance of that one bright sunset pales in comparison to the beauty of her.

Everything I've ever seen and everything I'll ever know will always be a dull and bland gray in light of her. She just sits there, every day, right next to me in sixth period chem class, brightening my day subconsciously with her luminance. She has this classic artistry about her that shines through the clear skin and pink cheeks that adorn her face. Her hair is a waterfall that compliments her sad brown eyes; those eyes make me think how it wouldn't be so bad to drown in them. It would be a happy death. I see her every day, walking around school, never talking. She lets her hair hide her face from the world, and I just want nothing more than to push it back and lift her chin up. I want to make her smile. She almost never smiles; but when she does, there are no words, so I'll settle with saying it's just simply beautiful.

She's the loveliest person on earth, and she deserves to know that she's my sunset. But I can't tell her that. Because she doesn't know me. I'm just that guy who opened the door for her that one time last November. I'm just that dweeb who complimented her silly Power Rangers lunch box. I'm just her sixth period chemistry partner. She can't be mine, because everyone knows you don't tell a girl you like her; it makes you look stupid!

So for now, I'll just stay here in chem, chewing my bottom lip and trying to surreptitiously peek around that mahogany curtain of hers, and I'll just bask in the fading evening light of my sun.

**~l~**

* * *

><p>[EDIT] Changed some of the prologue to sound nicer.<p>

This part is just the prologue in Edward's POV and the rest is in third person. :) I haven't updated in a while because I wanted to have some extra chapters written in advance, but I was busy allll summer and I write slow as butts, sooo... yeah. An update 6 months later. Yay!

Second chapter up soon.


	2. Don't Wake Me Up

**The fact that I'm even writing fan fiction is proof enough that I don't own Twilight.**

**I think iambeagle is my unofficial beta. I'm not sure yet... bu she's pretty dang cool.**

**You wanna playlist? Link on my profile! P****lease ignore my strange background ._. ****  
><strong>

**_WARNING_: Emmett is a major douche bag. He's just being an immature jerk, but the things he says are based off actual things I've heard someone say. So I'm not this stupid to be responsible for such juvenile and mean dialogue. Jus sayin. He gets better eventually, though.**

**THE FIRST CHAPTER IS BRUTAL. The fluff comes soon trussst meee. ****I changed the rating to M because my characters decided they want to cuss and say mean things and be assholes. And because of other stuff and yeah. ****I took forever to update this because I wanted to write more in the summer, but now summer's over and I'm finally updating. I am the coolest.**********

**The song that inspired the whole thing:**

"_Don't wake me up_

_Now that you're gone_

_Even the sun is turning blue_

_What good is love_

_If you're not here for me_

_To give it to?_

_What good is love_

_Without you?"_

_**~What Good Is Love?~**_

_**~by Schuyler Fisk~**_

**~l~**

Bella Swan was a good girl. She went to school, worked hard, and got the grades. She came home and did her homework then would start dinner. Her dad, Charlie, the Chief of the Forks Police Department, would come home from work and ask how her day was. They'd engage in polite conversation during dinner, then he'd take a beer to the front room to watch TV on the flat screen and she'd go upstairs. She'd get ready for bed, and then maybe sit down to read for a bit, before turning off her lamp and going to sleep. And the next day she'd do the same thing all over again. She lived a safe life with cushioned barriers and physical security.

She was miserable.

She hated that fact. Bella hated that she had all she did, but still couldn't enjoy any of it. She felt selfish for wanting out, but the feeling couldn't be stopped. There were too many memories that accompanied Forks, Washington. _The house's mortgage is already paid for_, her dad had argued, but she knew the reason why he wanted to stay. It was the exact same reason as why she didn't.

Bella didn't really want to go anywhere too far or too big. Maybe a nice town in northern California or Oregon, or even Seattle. Anywhere but Forks. Forks was where—

_No!_ She'd always stop, not allowing herself to remember. _I can't think of that right now. Just a few more hours. Don't let them see._

The only solace she had were those few hours at night before she fell asleep. Bed sheets don't care if you cry; pillows won't judge you for breaking down.

Bella wanted desperately to be able to confide in someone, but it was hard for her to let a person in like that. The only one close to her in her life was her dad, and he'd gone through enough already. The small cluster of friends she'd been lucky enough to make kept their distance emotionally. She didn't think anyone cared enough to let her in. And if they did, they certainly didn't show it.

_Why would they, anyway?_

The people in town knew what happened to her, and they left her alone for it. Gossip travels fast, and that's all her tale was to them: a juicy story to whisper in your friend's ear. What more did they need than to know about it? It was so easy for everyone to move on.

So everyone ignored her.

But as Bella got into bed one cold night in March, she couldn't help remembering that day three years ago.

She sighed. _I miss my mom._

**l~SWB~l**

_Today won't be so bad. It's Friday! Start of the weekend, and a way out of the hell hole that is high school._

That's how most kids her age would think of Friday. They'd leave in their cars, go to Port Angeles with their friends, see a movie, or maybe go to a beach party. Because that's what they do. They goof off when they have free time, before life catches up with them as grownups. They just want to live, to experience everything before it's stolen from their grasp.

But Bella wasn't a normal teenager. She tried to avoid free time like the plague. If she's invited to something by a friend, of course she'd go, but it was obvious she wasn't not much of a people person. She didn't really connect well to people socially, let alone her own age group.

She wasn't always like this.

Bella walked into first period English and was greeted by a very cheerful Alice Brandon. Alice was always cheerful though. Her bright sunniness mellowed out Bella's bad moods. They'd been friends since Bella's first day three years ago. She'd been inconspicuously reading in the back of her freshman Algebra class when Alice spotted her. _Now, what could have happened to her to make her look so sad?, _was the only thing the tiny, black haired girl could wonder.

Alice had always been intuitive and able to read people like a book, but she still hadn't figured out what makes her best friend so sad all the time. She couldn't connect the random bits of the day that set off Bella's emotions. All she could tell was that it's connected to her mother.

"Good morning, Miss Isabella. How are we this fine Friday morning?" Alice warbled.

Bella gave a small, sweet smile. "Quite good, surprisingly. I feel weird today, but like... in a good way?" She shrugged. "I feel like I _should _be happy, so I am. That means it'll probably end by third period," she joked. Bella was used to explaining her emotions to Alice, otherwise she would demand to hear them. Or sometimes even threaten. She was a frightening little thing.

"That's good." Alice's bright smile grew impossibly wider. "Very good." The bell rang then and they took their seats.

School dragged. Bella was happy for it as a distraction, but sixth period was the best part of her day. There, she could unassumingly ogle the cute nerdy boy at her chemistry table. She probably would have hated chem if it weren't for him, and while everyone groaned about having to do another lab, she practically felt like Alice bouncing on the inside at getting to talk to him.

On her way to lunch, her friend Emmett ran up beside her. "Hey, betch," he said in his best gay voice.

She snickered. "Hey, Emmett. Was there something you needed?" Her sarcasm came out a little harsher than intended.

He lifted a hand to his heart, pretending to be wounded. "Well, excuse me, Princess! See if I ever talk to you again. Get back to working your corner." He bounded off heading for the pizza line. Bella sighed and turned towards her table.

She knew she shouldn't get offended by Emmett's way of showing friendship, which was by calling everyone terrible names and harassing them. Alice and Jasper got it all the time as well, and, sparingly, even his girlfriend Rosalie, but he was always careful with her. Rosalie could be a right bitch if you crossed her the wrong way. He teased Bella the most of them all, most likely because she was so innocent and sensitive. He knew he could get a good rile out of her, and the angry blush she always emitted just fueled the fire. She'd love to not be around him, but he could be really funny and charming sometimes. And he wasn't a bad guy, he just didn't know where the line should be drawn.

It's really what he teased her about, though. To her, what he did was more than just poking fun.

Alice and her boyfriend Jasper were already sitting at their lunch table, as per usual. Jasper was a rare one, quiet and dark and didn't let anyone in, yet he's always there in the shadows. Frankly, he's kind of a creeper, and doesn't look like he'd love someone as colorful as Alice, but they looked so good and happy next to each other that no one questioned it.

"Hi, Alice. Jasper." Bella nodded to the pair. Alice beamed at her, and Jasper gave his signature indifferent lip quirk under the wispy mustache he sported.

Alice leaned forward and began to ask Bella a question when Emmett lumbered up, yelled _Shut your whore mouth!_ and gave a raucous laugh.

Once again, Bella sighed, and Alice rolled her eyes. Jasper didn't even flinch—he knew Alice could fight her own battles if it came to it.

"Move your crap, Bella." Emmett began throwing her books on the ground and she quickly went to stop him.

"Quit it, Emmett!" He just laughed.

"Hey," Alice said. "Where's Rosalie?"

"She had to go on some field trip for that nerdy club thing… oh, what's it called?" Emmett waved his plastic fork around as if it would help him remember.

"Q.E.D Club?" Bella suggested. It was some club for math, however that worked.

"Yeah, they're going out to the woods to judge the trajectory of directory or whatevory of wind and tree growth and shit. Sounds useless to me."

Just then, Jacob Black came up and scooted his way next to Alice and Jasper, directly facing Bella. He greeted her first.

"Hey there, Garbage Can. Make enough money last night?"

Jacob held the same type of humor that Emmett did, but whereas Emmett used it as a means of friendship, Jacob used it to be mean and get a good laugh. And Bella just so happened to be his main target.

Bella glared at Jake for his derogatory remark, then turned away to ignore him. She was immediately paired with a set of framed green eyes across the cafeteria and quickly dropped her gaze to the table in embarrassment.

"Aw, don't be like that, Sugar." Jacob reached across the table to grab Bella's chin and turn her head towards him. She wrenched back violently.

"Oh, feisty today, aren't we? Should have used some of that last night when you worked your corner. By the way, which were you selling for particularly? Tacos or sausage?" He laughed like he'd told the best joke in the world. _What is he, fourteen? _Bella thought as she defiantly and silently glared back at him.

She didn't bother saying anything. She knew it would only enable him.

"She didn't make me any money last night; no one wanted to go near her meat hole." Emmett laughed. He turned to her then to see her red faced and fuming. He saw the potential to have some fun and jumped at the chance.

"I don't think anyone will ever go near it, anyway. She's going to be alone forever. When she's like, forty or something, she's going to be living in some old, roach infested apartment with an evictions notice because of all her cats. Oh, and she'll be pregnant with some hobo's ugly baby, because only hobos would be so desperate. Its name will be Durrell. Or Lakisha. Oh, oh! Bon Qui Qui!" He laughed. "Yeah. And, okay, I'm gonna' predict your death now, you ready?" She just glared at the table as he bounced excitedly next to her.

"You're changing a lightbulb in the crap living room and fall out the window and hit the lamp post and fall in the sewer where you're eaten by mutant sewer lizards."

"Or maybe you die of lack of sex, I don't know," Jacob added. "Maybe eaten eaten alive by your own cats."

Emmett and Jacob were falling over laughing now. Alice looked disapproving, but not overly concerned, since Emmett's favorite make believe game was a casual recurrence. And like always, Jasper had a blank expression.

Bella sat there staring at Emmett and Jacob's faces turning purple as hot, angry tears sprung to her eyes. She didn't know why; Emmett said this kind of stuff all the time. He was only joking around. But she couldn't help it when her whole face erupted into an agonized fury. She stood up noisily, knocking her chair to the ground.

Something in Bella Swan had suddenly snapped, and maybe it was about time, too.

"Shut up!" She shouted at the two guffawing fools. Emmett stopped and looked up at her enraged face. He realized then, a bit too late, how harsh his words might have been. Jacob was still coming down from his laughing fit. "Shut up! Shut up, shut up!" Bella yelled. She had other tables' attention as well as her own.

A flood had been let open.

"I'm so sick and tired of this crap you both treat me with. You think you're being _funny_? No! You're being heartless assholes! I am not a whore! I am not a prostitute! I'm not a closet freak! Or a hobo's bitch or a cat lady or a lesbian! All this stuff you just said—all the stuff you _always_ say— do you have any idea how much it hurts? Even if you're just kidding around. And all this 'forever alone' shit, that hurts the most. Because, congratu-_fucking_-lations! You've discovered my greatest insecurity: that maybe one day I'll never find who I'm meant to be with or someone who loves me and I'll grow old and die alone. I'm so scared—so damn scared—and you make it worse! Every day! I don't want to end up like my mother with two bad divorces and unfulfillment and having to turn to le—"

She caught herself there to take a breath, noticing the crowd she'd drawn in with her breakdown. Self-consciousness crept up on her, and then she burst into tears.

Bella turned to grab her bag and spit out a menacing _I hate you_ at Jake and Emmett.

God, how Emmett felt terrible for what he'd just done.

Bella tumbled her way across the cafeteria, not noticing the green eyes that followed her form. They watched her as she shoved through the double doors, before turning their attention toward her table to glare at Emmett and Jacob.

She ran through the halls, not really knowing where she was going, until she found herself in front of the library. She pushed her way in and made a beeline for the corner in the back where she crumpled to the floor.

She reached for her backpack and pulled out her battered copy of _Wuthering Heights, _its spine broken and creased. Clasping it close to her chest, she sought out the comfort and familiarity it usually provided, like a security blanket. She didn't take out the book to read, but for the need of something to keep her grounded.

She hadn't been there too long before someone found her.

"That's a good book," he said while sitting down across from her.

Bella looked at him uncertainly through bleary eyes. "You've read it?"

His green eyes sparked with something between excitement and relief at her finally talking to him about something other than nomenclature and diatomic elements.

"Yeah, of course. It's a classic," he said. "It's not one of my favorites, though, considering their love is what brings them to their end. It's a powerful story, just a bit… depressing," he admitted. Truthfully, he preferred Romeo and Juliet, though he'd never say it in fear of sounding like a pansy and a hypocrite. "And they're always so angry. Their love really makes no sense to me." He accented his final opinion by prominently pushing up his glasses.

She looked at her book, accepting his soft spoken criticism.

"Well, I like it. I think every love story needs a little tragedy, or else the love wouldn't be special. It would be taken for granted." Bella whispered her words, not wanting to break the spell that floated in the air around them. "I would never do that. Take it for granted, I mean."

She had said it just as an afterthought, but he looked into her brown eyes like he was trying to soak under morning sun rays.

"That truly would be a tragedy," he whispered back.

She cracked a small smile and his heartbeat quickened.

"Thank you, Edward."

**~l~**

* * *

><p><strong>Okay, this chapter was pretty angst heavy. They're not all like that, but I am debating on whether to change it to AngstRomance. Tell me in a review please?**

****Reviews are better than judging the whatevory of wind.  
><strong>**


	3. I'm Doing Better Now

**Yay, an update a month later. :DD But in all seriousness, that's pretty good for me. And that is really sad.**

**I think iambeagle is my unofficial beta. I'm not sure yet... but she's pretty dang cool.**

**You wanna playlist? Link on my profile! Please ignore my strange background ._.**

"Write a hook write a verse write a chorus write a melody

Can't express how I feel without singing it the right way

I'm doing better now, I'm doing good

I'm doing all the things I know I should"

**~Read My Mind~**

**~by Alex Goot~**

**~l~**

When the lunch bell rang, they both jumped, not expecting it in the companionable silence they shared. He had taken out his own book – _The Hitchhikers Guide to the Galaxy_ – and stayed sitting across from her, their jean clad knees almost touching. He kept glancing up at her, but she never noticed, for when she would peek up at _him_, his eyes would be trained on his book. So when the signal to move classes sounded, they were ultimately surprised and laughed lightly with each other.

She got up and gathered her things while he did the same, then he turned to her. He smiled gently and said, "I'll see you in chemistry," before heading to history and her to theater.

Bella _loathed _theater. Forks wasn't renowned for its arts department, and most of the earnings went to the music classes. The fact that theater was a possible course to take was a miracle in its own. The class was really easy, and Bella needed her art credit, so she took it. The teacher was Mrs. Cope, from the front office. She used to star in off-off-Broadway productions for a Seattle theater troupe in her younger days, and loved taking a period off from office work to _branch young minds into the astonishing world of the theatre._

Bella adored Mrs. Cope, and she was a plus in the decision to sign up for the class. All was well and easy, until Emmett and Victoria joined the class a couple of weeks later. Unfortunately, it was too late for Bella to switch classes by then, though she wouldn't have done it anyway. She had too much pride for that.

Emmett was okay sometimes. If she left him alone, there was a higher chance she wouldn't be picked on. And occasionally, he was really fun to talk to and hang out with. Vicky was another story. She was loud, raucous, and very, very open with her opinions. She spoke her mind, no matter what it was, and she spoke it _loudly_. She wasn't a mean person, she just had a problem with keeping her mouth shut.

Bella sat silently in her usual seat on the risers while trying to avoid looking at Emmett as Mrs. Cope checked role. Vicky entered then and struck up a conversation with Emmett. He contributed, but kept glancing at the quiet girl in the corner who he'd made cry earlier. He felt like a total ass for what he'd done. He wished he could go up to her and apologize, but didn't know how to go about doing that. He was suddenly not sure how to approach her anymore, afraid the side of him that made her cry would come out again, and that spoke volumes about their friendship. His words got stuck in his throat before he could even get near her.

"Are you even listening to me?" Vicky demanded. He snapped his eyes back to hers. "I said I learned how to palm read yesterday!" she shouted excitedly. "Give me your hand."

He stuck his hand out and she grabbed it, wrenching it quickly to her face. "Okay, so I only memorized the Love Line and Life Line so far. Let's see..." She squinted at his huge palm, turning it this way and that. "Hmm, looks like... you'll live a full life 'til old age, only one marriage, two kids and a big family." Emmett smiled, hoping his wife ended up being Rosie. If this crap really was true, that is.

Mrs. Cope asked for the journal entry homework they were to do the night before, and while she grabbed them, Victoria went around the room reading palms. Bella looked up from her book to see what all the squeals and exclamations were for. Vicky was giving Jessica a palm reading, stating she'll marry, have a kid, divorce, then find her soul mate in her next marriage. Though she felt she'd regret it, Bella was curious.

"Hey, Vicky," she called to her. Emmett looked up in shock. Bella had never willingly tried to get Vicky's attention before. "Can you read my palm?"

Vicky smiled at her and bounded up the riser steps, which must not have been too easy in her five inch heels.

She grabbed Bella's hand and scrutinized it closely. "Please don't let it be bad," Bella whispered. Vicky took her time looking at it, and the suspended silence made Bella anxious. She told herself that no matter what Vicky "read", it wasn't true. Palm reading was a bunch of hokey, made up stuff. But it was kind of like watching a scary movie; you know before you watch it that it's fake, but when you're actually _watching _it, all logic goes out the window. And then you're in your room trying to sleep and every shadow looks like the creature in the movie.

So when Vicky gripped her hand harder, then threw her head back in laughter, Bella wished she hadn't been so curious.

"Hahaha! You're going to die alone! You're never going to get married." Bella gasped and ripped her hand from Vicky's, cradling it against her chest as if Vicky had physically slapped her. Her mouth and eyes were wide open as she watched Vicky shake with laughter. _What about this is_ _funny_? she thought, and for the second time that day, offended tears filled her eyes.

Emmett watched Bella gape at Vicky in shock. He and Bella were the only ones not laughing. If it weren't for her outburst at lunch today, he knew he would have been laughing, too. He remembered her words about her greatest insecurity, and he was afraid Vicky was just refueling the fire that he'd started earlier. If it weren't her who had gotten the prediction, he'd be laughing his ass off; getting a palm reading like that is so shitty, it's just ironically funny.

But as he watched Bella's eyes pool, he realized how _un_funny anything like that is. Hearing from someone that you'll die alone? That's just cruel. He didn't want to be that guy who got a kick out of being cruel to people anymore. And he vowed to make it up to Bella somehow.

Vicky jumped off the risers laughing, leaving Bella sitting there trying not to let the tears fall. She looked up and caught Emmett's eyes, and for a second she was happy to see concern in them, but then she remembered what happened earlier. Her stare became fiery and she turned from him. While Mrs. Cope went over the guidelines of their theater final, Bella cast her gaze downward and practiced the art of not being superstitious. She didn't look up from her lap for the rest of class.

Bella was one of the first people out when the bell rang. She was so distracted that she forgot to be excited about seeing Edward again. The palm reading was like a movie. She didn't believe any of it, but the insecure shadow in the corner of her mind kept her frightened.

Edward was eager for Bella to come in. He quickly took his seat on the right of the back table, and waited for her. His leg bounced rapidly, sending vibrations through his whole body and making the thick rimmed glasses on his nose slide down. He chuckled at his nervousness and pushed them back up just as Bella entered the room. He smiled at her, but the smile was hard to hold on to as he noticed her mood had changed back to the sad brown eyed girl he'd come to love. Of course he welcomed her company, but he just wished the light-eyed, softly smiling girl from the library were here, too.

He wouldn't pry to find out what had changed her attitude drastically in the last forty-five minutes. It wasn't his place to ask. Though she seemed to be warming up to him more, he knew he'd have to work harder to earn her trust. And that was okay, considering they'd never spoken before that day. He'd known of his feelings for Bella for a long time, but she was only now finding out hers. At least, he hoped she was. She'd let him know when she felt she could finally be open with him, and until then, he'd just be the nice, patient boy from chemistry. He would be her friend.

So as she approached where he sat, he pulled her chair out for her. She offered a kinda small, kinda sad smile, and his heart swelled.

**l~SWB~l**

The weekend was slow for Bella. Charlie was off with his fishing buddies, so Bella caught up with her house chores. She had washed the dishes, finished two loads of laundry, mopped the kitchen floor, cleaned the bathroom, and it was only noon when she'd finished. She didn't like chores (really, who did?), but they kept her busy. She'd almost Googled "palm reading" twice since Friday afternoon, but she always stopped herself, afraid of finding out the truth. And when she was not battling with herself to look up palm reading, she was leaning toward daydreaming of Edward. But she shot that down quickly. Nothing productive ever came of daydreaming.

She spent her weekend occupying herself in mundane household things, homework, and reading. Before she knew it, Monday had rolled around. It was just like any other Monday: sleepy and boring. She met with Alice like usual, went to class and listened to droning teachers, and followed the same rut in the hallway she'd dug in the last year. Boring and familiar. The only difference came during lunchtime. Her calculus class had let out early, so she decided to head over to Alice's history class and walk her to the cafeteria.

The door opened and Alice stepped out, giving Bella a big hug as soon as she spotted her. Bella smiled at Alice's tales of the weekend with Jasper as they walked side by side to the lunch room. Bella explained she wouldn't be joining her and she understood immediately. Alice hugged her again and entered the cafeteria. Just as Bella turned around, someone called her name.

"Bella!" Emmett was hurrying towards her. She froze and readied herself for escape, him and Jacob being the whole reason she didn't want to brave the lunch crowd. She quickly spun away, but he caught her shoulder.

"Hey, where ya goin'?" he asked. "Aren't you coming to lunch?" He was hoping to apologize today for how he'd treated her the previous Friday, and show her he could be a funny guy without being a harsh jack ass.

She pulled in a deep breath and regarded him with a steely glare. It was really all she could afford to give him at the moment. "No, Emmett. Sorry, but I'd rather not be around you for a while. I have to endure your company for theater, but I think I'd like to be alone at lunches for a while." She turned from him and walked down the hallway towards the library. She felt kind of bad for not giving him the benefit of the doubt, but he'd received too many second chances from her and now she just wanted him to leave her alone.

She wasn't aware that Emmett truly meant to be nicer to her this time. He dejectedly slumped through the cafeteria doors and disappeared.

Bella sat at the back spot of the library again. She pulled out her vintage Power Rangers lunch box and ate a turkey sandwich while reading _Romeo and Juliet_, another favorite of hers.

She didn't notice someone sitting next to her until the rustling of clothes and sneakers against carpet alerted her. She looked up to see Edward reaching for a brown paper bag and a book in his backpack. He pulled out a smashed PB&J and flipped open to a dog eared page. She laughed lightly when she realized they were reading the same book. He didn't usually read this book around people, because it's a "girl book", but he knew Bella wouldn't judge him. And when he saw she had the same copy, he just smiled.

She looked back down at her book and ate quietly, her body electrically aware of the extraordinary boy sitting by her side.

**~l~**

**Bella won't always be an emotional crying lady all the time. She's just mostly like that now 'cause she's got probs.**

**Reviews are better than smashed PB&J's.**


	4. Make Me Feel

**I debated getting Bella to a therapist sometime in the story, but then I realized I have no idea how to write a therapist, so I decided to just let her face the consequences of using Edward as a crutch. Then just watch shit unravel. Mwahaha.**

**iambeagle is my beta. She's pretty dang cool.**

**You wanna playlist? Link on my profile! I put alotta work into that shit.**

**Seriously. Go listen.**

**~I~**

"I can see these things I'd do

But never seem to follow through

She, She is the words that I can't find

How can the only thing that's killing me make me feel so alive?"

**~She (For Liz)~**

**~by Parachute~**

**~l~**

They had a routine now.

Bella would leave calculus and walk Alice to lunch, then the girls would say their goodbyes and she'd head to the library. She'd pull out a book, open her Power Rangers lunch box, and he would join her shortly after. Edward would smile at her, take out whatever crushed sandwich he'd packed in his brown paper bag for the day, and pull out a book of his own. They'd discreetly glance at each other, never catching the other in the act, and just smile.

It was the closest to bliss that she'd ever been.

**l~SWB~l**

Edward couldn't pay attention to his book today. He kept looking over at Bella, trying to decide if he should ask her. He wasn't sure if she'd say yes, but if she saidno, he might be crushed. Though there's no reason he _should_ be, since he wasn't asking her on a date _specifically_.

His left hand was limp in his lap, barely holding onto his book while his right rested on the carpet fairly close to Bella's. He was watching her from the corner of his eyes, trying to see if she'd look at him. It was only last week that she'd been the girl with the breakdown in the cafeteria—only last Friday since they'd become friends. He'd noticed a drastic change in her behavior after Monday. Well, maybe not _drastic _per say, but obvious to him.

He noticed that the beautiful sad girl wasn't so sad anymore. She'd have her moments when her eyes would get glassy and pain would cloud them over, but not as often anymore, not since they began their friendship. He liked this idea—that maybe her being around him made her less sad. That he, the nerdy quiet boy down the street, could help make the bad things go away. He decided he liked this a lot. It may have been too early to tell if he really did have a positive effect on her, but after two weeks, three weeks, maybe the new subtle brightness in her eyes would be noticed by everyone else as well.

Maybe he was getting ahead of himself.

She lifted her head. She didn't expect to catch him looking at her and it made her blush. He liked this a lot, too.

She observed him with what he hoped to be intensity. He wasn't sure if it _was_ that, but the hopeless romantic in him wanted it to be. Guys can be hopeless romantics, too, right? Maybe now was the time to ask her.

"Hey, Bella?" he began. She raised her eyebrows in reply, and he cleared his throat before continuing. "I was wondering if you'd like to hang out this weekend?"

Her brows rose even higher in shock and her mouth popped open, making a surprised little O, as she suddenly remembered what tomorrow's date was. _Is it Friday already? How could I forget?_ she internally berated herself. She looked down at her scuffed up Keds for avoidance. Avoidance from the question, avoidance from his eyes. Avoidance was an art she excelled at.

It wasn't helping her in this situation, however.

"Bella?" He bent over to try to catch her eyes beneath the curtain that was her hair. "There's, uh... a black and white film festival. On Saturday—tomorrow, I mean. In Port Angeles... Um, I don't know if you like those kind of movies, but I figure if you're into classic books, why not movies, right? I thought it might be fun…" he trailed off uncertainly.

She had to admit to herself that it did sound fun. She'd only ever seen one black and white film—Romeo and Juliet—and it would be a whole day with Edward. If she enjoyed these short thirty minute lunch times with him, imagine a whole _day. _It sounded absolutely wonderful, and that was the problem. Having fun on that date seemed like blasphemy. Oh, but passing up his offer felt unbearable.

Right when he was about to tell her to forget about it, because he'd obviously made her uncomfortable, she asked what time it started. Stunned, he didn't speak for a moment, then sputtered out an answer through madly grinning lips. "Uh… it starts at seven, so we should leave an hour earlier. Pick you up at six? Unless you'd rather take your own car? I just thought, you know, save gas and the earth and all…"

She put her hand on Edward's to halt his incessant blubbering. Her smile was small, but genuine. "We can go together, Edward. My truck probably wouldn't even make the trip without dying," she chuckled.

He stared at their clasped hands and the way her lips brushed when she said his name. The remaining sadness in her eyes was slowly fading off.

His face hurt from smiling.

**I~SWB~I**

When Bella got home, she prepared herself to tell her dad about the next day. She knew he wouldn't exactly be happy about it.

She decided to make his favorite meal to butter him up, but doubted it would help. And he called her out on it, proving her right.

"So what gives? You only make my favorite on special occasions or when you have bad news." He sounded like he was joking, but the tightness in his eyes said otherwise.

"Um…" she began, pushing the meat around her plate. Her stomach churned and the sight of the cooked cow didn't make it much better. She decided to just come out with it. "I'm not going with you tomorrow. Um, I'll stop by of course, but… I have plans with someone."

Charlie Swan was not a man of many words. He'd rather stew everything in his head first before taking his next move, much like his daughter. And also like his daughter, he didn't deal well with abrupt change.

"You're _what_? Doing something else? What—no, Bells! I mean, I can't—" He slammed his fist on the table, more out of frustration than anger, and took a breath. He hated showing this emotional side of himself, especially to his daughter. Not showing weakness was an unwritten rule between them.

Tears sprung to her eyes at his plea. She blinked them back and bit her lip. This was another reason why she almost told Edward no. But she wanted to go _so bad_.

"I'm sorry, Dad. But we've been going for three years. I think you can deal with one visit by yourself. Maybe you can get some things off your chest, tell her about Sue. She'd like that." Bella smiled assuredly at her father.

He looked at her, matching brown eyes both trying to hide emotions. He sighed dejectedly. "Okay, sounds good."

She had just barely hoped the conversation was over when he asked, "What are you going to do tomorrow, then?"

"Oh, I'm going to a movie festival with my friend."

"Alice?"

"Uh, no… his name is Edward." She blushed for some reason and butterflies attacked her stomach, thoroughly ending her meal.

"Huh. I don't think I've met him."

"Um, he's Esme's son."

"From down the street?" She nodded. "Oh yeah. Nice lady. She's in Sue's book club." He cleared his throat, struggling under the effort of being a good father while trying to avoid the awkward topic of boys. "Well, have fun. And be safe."

"Yeah, are you done?" She pointed to his empty plate, but they both knew what she meant.

He raised his hands in surrender as she took his plate and smiled under that bushy mustache. "Yeah, I'm done."

**~I~**

**Long awaited update is long awaited. I know I know. Idk if anyone cares yet though…**

**It's short, but maybe I can update again later this week. Here's hoping for no feet in my mouth.**

**This almost-half-a-year-later update is because I was busy writing my Ho Hey Contest entry, A Bus To Chinatown. It's on my profile now. I didn't win, which is totally boo, but it was sooo fun to write! C: Be warned: it's a long bitch.**

**Reviews are better than bushy mustache smiles.**


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